Hey everyone!  It’s funny because I really don’t have a way to know if I am talking to anyone right now, but I have this creeping sensation that I’m talking to no one, on account of the fact that I hardly update ole anamarlia and I think all my visitors have given up waiting for well…anything to happen.  Please do correct me if I am wrong.   I have never been one for the blogging, but as I re-evaluate my life and finally move on to becoming more independent than I am, blogging is starting to become something I want to do.  I mean I have to express myself somewhere right?

Alot of things have been happening in my life at the moment.  Past hurts have affected me even up to now, but I realise I am tired of hiding the person I am, I want to be able to walk up and meet new people and be myself from day one not later.  You see having a eye problem which is physical since my eyes do not work together and it appears one eye is looking one way and the other eyes is looking another way, people from Primary School to High School teased me and ostracized me for it.  I look back and I really can’t say I was ever truly happy, all I felt was pain.  The real me wasn’t accepted back then so I guess I figured why should I be now.  But the people who always knew me and were my true friends love me for who I am and those others are fools to have not recognised the person I am, so it’s their loss.  One of my friends just pointed out that I had an asshole grade and not everyone was like that.

So I’m trying to not be afraid anymore, and I’m trying to let people in from word go.  But it’s so hard to shake your doubts because I have a pretty bad track record with people.  Almost every person I opened up just a little to backstabbed me later, so it’s hard not to give into that fear but I’m trying to convince myself that not everyone is the same and if I keep closing myself off I might just miss the chance to get to know someone who truly cares about me.

What I find amusing is that all the people I thought hated me never did they kind of just went with the crowd.  I’ve learned people change after high school, it’s all to do with stepping out into the world and having all these responsibilities laid upon you.  So my advice to anyone who had a tough time with people in high school is that people do truly change after high school, so give them the second chance but with that being said don’t ever forget.

Another thing I couldn’t fathom was the amount of people who actually had the hots for me.  What I can’t figure out is if they never showed it in fear of being ostracized or if it was because I deemed myself so inadequate I never noticed.  So I have all this extra attention at the moment, problem is I’m not attracted to them and I have no experience in being tactful in saying ‘I only just want to be friends.’

The person I am interested in says he just wants to be friends but yet there’s all these reactions he has to me that says otherwise.  It’s like he hasn’t quite figured things out yet.  The biggest problem is there is this lady in his life who is a manipulative bitch, she has this control problem and she controls everything and he doesn’t realise it.  His friends are of her approval and she hates me.  So she’s interfered so much even as far as saying I’m not good enough for him.  It’s like she knows he hasn’t worked things out yet, so she’s smothering him to the point that he can’t be independent and work it out.  I can imagine I have been frustrating to him because I put up my wall but I have been letting it down and he’s not giving me a chance to show him who I am and I am convinced it is all her doing.  It’s like he hasn’t grown up.  It feels like nothing will ever come between us even as just friends while we are living here, next year things will be better when he’s out of her grasp.  So unless he has a realisation between now and next year I’ll have to stick this one out.  I’m so frustrated with him at the moment, I’m not hurting, just frustrated because it’s not entirely his fault because this woman is good, so good that when she interferes it just looks like to him that she’s just being nice to him.  She really needs to back the fuck off!!

I’m promising myself now that I need to get into shape again, I have love handles and a stomach and I have such a pretty belly button piercing so I need my flat tummy again.  Usually I have a motivational tool like Touch and Athletics but since I don’t do either now since I’m no longer in school, I’ve lost my goal and doing it just to be healthy isn’t motivating enough.  So I was thinking and I’ve decided to make my goal ‘to be the real me’ so by losing weight I’m boosting my self-confidence and self-esteem so that I’ll be on the road to being the girl who is her 24/7, not the girl who gets scared and puts up her wall.  I’ll be blogging about my progress from now on!

Ever since I opened The Fantorium Network things have been going great.  I have quite a few hostees now and we are climbing google at a fast rate.  I have to say though I’ve had alot of Fan-Sites.org hostees sign up and moving their sites, things aren’t so chipper of there at the moment and from the stories I have been told, I’m so glad I left and started my own site.  So to everyone who’s thinking of hosting a site there choose anything but Fan-Sites, the woman who owns it has turned into a right hypocritical bitch, I’ve had bad dealings with her myself.  Sites should be fun not a contest and certainly not a petty area.

As for Anamarlia, I think I’ll probably blog more than update content, and I’m tempted to just shut things down to a blog and collective, but I worked hard on the stuff I made and you all seemed to enjoy it so I will continue to put up stuff I make, it just won’t be a regular thing.